The Auction
by ijnfleetadmiral
Summary: Vince's new partnership on a charity fundraiser presents an opportunity for romance. Numerous pairings & heavy humor.
1. Chapter 1: Vince's News

**The Auction**

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, so don't sue; you'll waste a sh**load of money.

**Chapter One - Vince's News**

They had no idea why Vince had called this meeting, save only for the fact that he was planning on revealing a new idea to them. And so the superstars and Divas of World Wrestling Entertainment gathered together in one of the large conference rooms at the hotel in Boston they were all currently staying at. The superstars grouped together on one side of the room, while the Divas claimed the other. It was a nice spring day, and quite a few of them weren't happy they had to attend a meeting on their day off.

John Cena sat glowering at the podium as if it had seriously offended him before glancing at his watch and sighing in annoyance. He had less than two hours before the first pitch was thrown at Fenway Park, and if he missed it he was going to be seriously pissed. Randy Orton sat with him, smirking at his best friend's annoyance. Hunter Helmsley and Shawn Michaels sat together, Hunter rolling his eyes as Shawn made goofy faces at Hunter's infant daughter Aurora. The Game hated it when his best friend did these sort of things, but he knew it was helping The Heartbreak Kid get over his recent divorce.

Matt and Jeff Hardy were rapidly texting each other back and forth on their cell phones, and it was obvious to everyone that they weren't paying the slightest bit of attention to anything else. Chris Jericho sat alone, arguing animatedly on his cell phone with the manager of his band Fozzy, trying to make the guy understand he wanted to concentrate on his wrestling career for the moment. Ric Flair was talking to Dave Batista, who was nodding at what The Nature Boy was saying even as he perused the contents of _Fortune_ magazine.

The two that least wanted to be there, Glen Jacobs and Mark Callaway, found seats right by the door, planning on escaping as soon as Vince dismissed them. They'd hung out with Stone Cold Steve Austin the night before, and were currently dealing with the effects of trying to keep up with the Texas Rattlesnake in terms of alcohol consumption. They both had hangovers the size of ocean liners, so when Adam Copeland sauntered in and made a snide comment along the lines of "Don't creatures of the night shrivel up and die when they're exposed to sunlight?", they stood up abruptly with looks on their faces that said 'Annoy us further and die'. Edge wisely beat a retreat to a chair near the front of the room as The Brothers of Destruction sat down and closed their eyes.

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Meanwhile, most of the Divas were looking across the room at their male counterparts, shaking their heads at how absorbed they were in their own little worlds.

Maria Kanellis sighed happily, lost in another daydream about John Cena, while Women's Champion Mickie James was in her own little world with a certain newly-single member of DX.

Barbie Blank was glowering at Chris Jericho, who seemed oblivious to her attempts to get him to notice her backstage. Candice Michelle was commenting to Eve Torres about how the two of them could stand up right this minute and flash Matt and Jeff and the Hardys wouldn't even notice. Eve nodded in agreement, both women agreeing that the High Flyers they adored were clueless. RAW announcer Lillian Garcia agreed with this opinion as well, although she was referring to a certain Animal nearby.

Melina Perez was also people watching, smirking as she watched Edge quickly head to the front of the room. Her smirk turned into a glower...she couldn't believe he wasn't getting what she was trying to tell him: she was quite interested in him, and wasn't used to being ignored. Then a secretive smile formed on her face as she started to think up a plan to give him a heads-up as to what she wanted.

Ashley Massaro and Michelle McCool walked in and Ashley smiled brightly at Glen, who gave her a weak smile in return before leaning back and closing his eyes again. Ashley walked to her seat, beaming like she'd just won the lottery. Michelle McCool smiled at Mark, who gave her a curt nod, then winced painfully at the movement. The Divas Champion decided to take what she could get, and headed to a seat beside Ashley, thankful that 'her Phenom', as she privately called him, had actually deigned to acknowledge her this time.

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The chatter from the little groups of people abruptly ceased as Vince McMahon strode into the room, followed closely by his daughter, Hunter's wife Stephanie. DX thought they'd be funny and jumped out of their seats, coming to rigid attention with idiotic grins on their faces as though they were enlisted soldiers paying tribute to a commanding general. Shawn even saluted.

Vince glowered at them over the laughter of their coworkers as Stephanie shook her head in embarrassment at her husband's antics.

"Cut the comedy," The WWE Chairman growled before turning to his audience as a whole.

"I'm sure you're all wondering why I called this meeting, and I also know most of you probably have plans today since it's your day off. So I won't bore you with a long speech -"

He was cut off as DX started applauding, causing a fresh round of laughter, and glowered at the two mischief makers, who immediately pasted innocent expressions on their faces and smiled like angels, Shawn even folding his hands in his lap. After giving them a look that could kill, Vince resumed speaking.

"The WWE Corporation has decided to sponsor a cancer research charity, and will participate in its annual fundraiser exactly two weeks from tonight."

The guys - save Glen and Mark, who appeared to have fallen asleep in the back - all rolled their eyes at the prospect of buying expensive tickets and then dressing up to go to some stuffy dinner they had no wish to be attending, while most of the Divas brightened at a chance to go shopping for a knockout new dress and dance the night away with handsome men in nice suits. Vince studied the various reactions of his people and grinned.

"Don't worry...this one doesn't involve any formal dinner-and-dancing thing."

Faces of various superstars began to brighten until Vince dropped the bombshell:

"It's a charity bachelor auction instead!"

His announcement was greeted by dead silence. The Divas all smiled like little kids on Christmas morning, while most of the guys - fan favorites John, Randy, the Hardys, and newly-single Shawn in particular - had expressions on their faces that wouldn't have looked out of place on guys who were two minutes away from a date with the electric chair and who'd just been told their last appeals had been denied.

"Oh, hell no." The silence was broken by Mark's voice from the back of the room. The statement was brief, but seeing as how it came from who it did it landed on the room with the subtlety of a hydrogen bomb.

Vince continued to grin at his employees. "And participation is mandatory, especially if you're holding a title right now. The only people who are exempt from this are those who are engaged or married."

"That's not cool," Carlito stated, and Primo agreed with him while Matt Hardy swore under his breath, World Tag Team Champions Kofi Kingston and C. M. Punk got resigned looks on their faces, and Intercontinental Champion William Regal looked appalled at Vince's idea.

"Yo, Y2J, wanna be World Heavyweight Champ again?" John Cena joked.

"Actually, I think I'll pass at the moment, thanks." Chris muttered.

"See, Adam? Look what hitting me in the head with a chair and stealing the title got you!" Hunter joked, and he and Shawn pointed at Edge and giggled like schoolgirls while the Rated-R Superstar glowered blackly at them.

In fact, about the only title holder who seemed even remotely interested in the idea was United States Champion Shelton Benjamin, who looked downright eager at the prospect, nudging Ken Kennedy with his shoulder and boasting about how much money the 'Gold Standard' was going to bring in while Ken looked at him as if he were crazy.

Meanwhile, Ric Flair grinned at Shelton's enthusiasm and then set about trying to rouse Dave from where he appeared to be frozen in place after hearing Vince's 'news'. The Animal did not look pleased. Chris pulled out his cell phone, muttering something about a 'one-night-only concert' with Fozzy, while Jeff turned to Finlay and asked to borrow his beloved shillelagh.

Vince glanced over at the Divas' side of the room. The women were talking excitedly amongst themselves about dresses and so forth, and appeared to love their boss's idea. He then turned back to the superstars side and found most of his male talent racking their brains for ways to get out of the event. Glen and Mark were giving him looks that made Hitler's cold stare seem like a warm smile from Santa Claus, while The Big Show, Mark Henry, Finlay, Ken Kennedy, and Rey Mysterio - who fell into the 'engaged or married and therefore exempted' category - were laughing themselves sick.

Hunter was laughing while patting a panicking Shawn on the back, thinking this was all going to be a valuable source of entertainment. That is, he was until Stephanie spoke up.

"Honey, since I know you want to be there for Shawn, you're going to participate as well."

Triple H's smile vanished instantly, replaced by a deer-in-the-headlights look. Shawn's panic vanished at this announcement, and he turned to his best friend and grinned. Edge also happened to find it exceedingly humorous.

All the finagling, eager planning, begging others for injuries, Hitler-like stares, bitching, and laughter at some poor sucker's predicament came to a halt when the WWE Chairman called for quiet.

"ENOUGH!" Vince yelled at the guys. "Unless you're married or engaged, you're all going to participate, so get used to the idea! Again, the auction's two weeks from tonight in New York, so be ready."

"Hey, I found a Russian mail-order bride site!" Chris Jericho announced, holding up his I-Phone. Nearly every superstar pulled out their own cell phones, with John, Randy, and the Hardys all asking Y2J for the address. William Regal appeared to be giving the idea some serious thought; even Glen was pulling out his cell phone to pull up the site, and was stopped in this only when Mark grabbed his arm and gave him a 'get real' look.

"FORGET IT!" Vince yelled as Chris started to call out the address. "Suddenly up and marrying somebody who's just trying to get a green card is not going to get you off the hook."

Quite a few people muttered oaths under their breaths as Vince headed out of the room, somewhat put-out that his employees weren't all gushing with excitement about his latest plan.

No sooner had her father left the room than Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley found herself bombarded by indignant questions from various superstars, in addition to one very loud and rude demand from an irate JBL that he be exempted from the event on account of none of the women that would be in attendance that night would even be worthy of bidding on a 'wrestling god', and also because if he were ever forced to auction himself off, it "...damn sure wasn't going to be alongside all these clowns." Said 'wrestling god' was promptly told what he could go do with himself by nearly everyone else on the roster, Divas included, which resulted in JBL stomping out of the room. Further protest from the superstars caused Stephanie to get to her feet and glower at them.

"Ok guys, that's enough. I'm sorry...I don't care what your reasons are, unless you're married or engaged, you're walking out on that runway in two weeks, so get used to the idea. Have a good weekend."

With that, she too exited after going over to Hunter and checking on her daughter. Soon after, the Divas rose and headed for the door as a group.

"Where're y'all headed, ladies?" Jeff's voice caused a couple of Divas to turn and face him, Candice being one of them, and the former Women's Champion gave The Charismatic Enigma a bright smile.

"We're going shopping, guys," Mickie James replied. "Gotta look our best for the meat market in two weeks."

With that, the girls headed out, laughing at Mickie's comment as they did so, leaving behind a group of guys who - the majority of them, anyways - were not at all happy with the way this meeting had turned out.

**Up Next:** The Superstars and Divas each have meetings of their own to discuss their options.

**R&R!**


	2. Chapter 2: Protestations & Preparations

**Disclaimer:** See Chapter One.

**Chapter Two - Protestations and Preparations**

As the Divas headed out, The Big Show got to his feet and grinned at the others.

"As much as I'd like to stay, I'm not going to, seeing as how this situation doesn't apply to me. I'm going to go buy my wife something nice as a 'thank you' for getting me out of this."

"Good idea, Show," Rey Mysterio got to his feet and headed out too, followed by Ken Kennedy and Mark Henry. Triple H stayed put, the wide grin on his face clearly saying 'I may be married, but I'm not gonna miss this for anything'.

As the door closed behind them, John took charge of the group.

"Ok, is there anybody who's relationship with a girlfriend is gonna be put on the rocks because of this? Randy, I know about you and Stacy," the Champ added, when the Legend Killer reluctantly raised his hand, "but is there anybody else?"

Surprisingly, C. M. Punk raised his hand. "My girlfriend might have something to say about it. She's usually not the jealous type, but I don't really wanna get on her bad side, you know?"

"C'mon, guys," Ric put in. "Just go with the flow. It's not like you ever have to see these women again after that night, and besides, it's not like the girls are gonna be able to reach out and touch you as you're walking the runway."

"Speak for yourself, Ric," Adam replied. "Do you realize how many of my loyal fans are gonna be there, looking to get a piece of the Rated-R Superstar? I don't know if a security force can hold them back."

"Adam, I'm sure their security can handle four people," John quipped, causing the room to break out in laughter and the WWE Champion to glower at him.

"What's everybody so worried about?" Carlito piped up. "It's just walking out on a runway to get bid on by a bunch of women." He smirked. "And besides, Carlito's going to be bought by the hottest one there. All you guys are gonna have are the leftovers."

"Shut up, Afro Man," Glen growled from the back.

Other conversations were drowned out by Chris Jericho yelling into his cell phone at Fozzy's manager.

"What the hell do you mean, 'you think it's a great idea'?" He listened for a moment, then shot to his feet in anger. "You called Vince and told him that, too? Do you realize the position you've put me in?" He listened a little longer. "No, I don't wanna do this; that's why I'm calling and asking you to plan a concert date for one night in two weeks!" After a third pause, he replied, "So you think me having to do this is funny, huh?"

"Yes, we do, Chris," Randy piped up, and got flipped off in response.

"Well, laugh at this, asshole," Y2J snarled, "you're fired!" He ended the call and plopped back down in his seat, rubbing his hands over his face.

"All right, let's just face facts, people," Adam spoke up. "Other than walking away from our jobs - which, I don't know about the rest of you, I'm sure as hell not going to do - our hands are tied. So let's just go on with our separate plans for the day, and make sure we have tuxes ready in two weeks."

John sighed. "I hate to admit it, but he's right...our hands are tied. Let's all just hope we raise a lot of money for this charity, and at the same time those who win us are female and actually halfway decent."

Nods of sullen agreement were seen around the room before the small meeting broke up.

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"This is our chance," Candice Michelle was saying to her fellow Divas as they browsed through evening gowns in one of Boston's most affluential formal wear stores. "We find the right dresses, those guys won't know what hit them."

Ashley flipped her cell phone closed with a smile. "I just told Torrie about the plan. She thought it was great and said she was going to meet us in New York for the big night. She also said she was going to call Stacy and let her know. They'll probably both be there at the auction."

Enthusiastic smiles greeted this news, but Maria continued going through the racks with a troubled look on her face.

"What's wrong, 'Ria?" Barbie asked, noticing her expression.

The redhead Diva sighed. "I just realized something: we're gonna get all dolled up for nothing...the guys are only gonna see who wins them, not us."

A derisive burst of laughter was heard from a nearby rack. Several of the Divas glowered as Melina walked over to the group.

"You guys don't get it, do you?" She smirked and shook her head. "Who says we can't be the ones who bid and win? That's what I plan to do...the one I'm after's not gonna know what hit him."

"And just who are you after?" Mickie demanded, causing Melina to roll her eyes.

"Don't worry...I'm not after your Heartbreaker. No, my tastes lean more towards the 'Rated-R' style." She grinned at her fellow Divas' dumbfounded looks and headed off.

"Remember what I said about bidding, but it's not my fault if you don't act on it. You never know what might happen. See you at the auction, ladies!"

With that, the former Women's Champion was gone.

"Huh," Candice muttered in surprise. "Melina wants Adam."

"I say more power to her," Michelle put in. "I don't know about the rest of you, but I plan to take her advice, even if it does put a dent in my savings."

Words of agreement could be heard throughout the group before the women turned back to the racks with a new purpose.

**Up Next:** The big night arrives! Will the Divas win what they want?

**R & R!**


	3. Chapter 3: The Meat Market Part One

**Disclaimer:** See Chapter One.

**Chapter Three - The Meat Market : Part One**

Two weeks had passed, and the night of the auction - or 'X-Night', as John had started calling it - had arrived. During the proceeding two weeks, the Divas had all taken great pleasure in taunting the superstars about the auction, and most of the guys had gotten tired of it pretty quickly.

Still - according to DX, anyway - just because they had to go through with it didn't mean they couldn't have some fun with Vince. Even Glen and Mark got in on that part, leaving their tuxes in Mark's rental car, showing up backstage carrying their ring attire with them, and informing the boss that these were the only outfits they'd brought with them. Hunter and Shawn gleefully snapped pictures of the event coordinator popping a Vicodin and chasing it down with champagne, and also of Vince looking one step away from having a stroke.

Of course, right after that photo opportunity, both men conviniently 'found' their correct outfits. Mark, however, kept his trademark Undertaker hat with him, claiming that if he had to dress up for this event, he was going to do it his way. When one of the backstage assistants spoke up, protesting 'Mr. Callaway's' decision, Mark leveled him with his trademark stare, and Glen looked at him as well and gave him a demented Kane smile and trademark laugh. The poor assistant nearly wet himself before managing to squeak out that maybe the hat wasn't such a bad idea after all, and then ran out of the room as the superstars all laughed.

The Big Show came in, grinning. "Ready to face the music, guys?"

Glum murmurs and surly grunts were the gist of the response he got. Paul turned in John's direction.

"Cena, you're in big trouble...you know how many times I heard your name mentioned out there?"

John groaned in response as Hunter piped up, "Any celebrities out there?"

Paul nodded. "I overheard that at least three of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders are gonna pool their money together and bet on a certain Legend Killer..." - he trailed off as the room burst out laughing and Randy put his head in his hands - "and I saw with my own eyes Jessica Simpson talking about how she's gonna be the one to win Cena."

The door opened and Stephanie McMahon walked in. "You guys aren't watching the pre-auction reception on the TV?" she asked incredulously, reaching over to turn on the big-screen plasma set in the room. "You guys are drawing a major crowd."

As the set came on, Todd Grisham was standing with an incredibly beautiful redhead that was wearing a dress that was cut very, very low in the front and had a slit in the side almost up to her waist.

"Holy crap, that's Kayla Landreaux...she's a model for _Penthouse_ magazine!" Chris Jericho exclaimed, which caused nearly every superstar in the room to crowd around the screen and listen as Stephanie rolled her eyes at the typical male behavior.

_"So who are you here to bid on?"_ Grisham was asking her.

The woman gave a seductive smirk into the camera. _"Well, I'm not gonna come right out and say it, but let's just say I plan to win my bid...there's a certain Game I wanna play really bad."_

Every head in the room whipped to Hunter, who was staring at the screen in surprise, a pleased smile spreading across his face. The moment was shattered, however, by a shout from the direction of the door.

"Oh, hell no!" Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley stormed out of the room, calling for her father.

"Still want me to go out on the runway, honey?" Hunter called after her, and the room dissolved into laughter.

The show continued, with Grisham interviewing Jessica Simpson, who smiled at the camera and blew John a kiss. Next came the Cowboys cheerleaders, three of them, who seductively informed the camera that each girl was wearing a thong that had one initial of RKO on it, a different letter for each girl.

_"We'll let you discover who's wearing which letter, Randy,"_ the girls giggled, causing the Legend Killer to slump down in his seat and groan.

Then the camera panned around to show different groups of people, and then two flamboyantly gay men walked into view, holding up a sign that blatantly invited Edge to be their 'Rated-X Superstar'.

The entire room laughed itself sick. John, Randy, Chris, and the Hardys nearly wet themselves, DX bent double they were laughing so hard, and even Glen and Mark cracked smiles. Edge looked like he wanted to throw up.

Then the moment arrived. The event coordinator came in and started handing out numbers, 1 through 20. The bigger fan base you had, the further down the line you were. Hunter, as it turned out, was no longer on the list, although he wisely kept silent about not getting to go out there.

JBL was actually number 1, with William Regal being after him. After a bachelor was auctioned off, he returned to the waiting area where the first ten bachelors would meet their purchasers during the intermission.

MVP was third, followed by Brian Kendrick and then Shelton Benjamin. Carlito, Primo, Kofi, and C. M. Punk were bachelors 6, 7, 8, and 9, and Ric was 10. The Nature Boy was a big hit, giving his signature yell several times, and doing the 'Ric Flair strut' as he walked the runway.

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When intermission was sounded, the guys waited for the first purchaser to arrive. One by one the bachelors left, until finally only Brian, Phil, and Ric remained from the first ten.

The door opened again to admit a woman who was eighty-five if she was a day.

"C'mon, Naitch," she ordered, and snickers abounded throughout the room. The elderly lady turned to the door and rolled her eyes before walking back to it.

"You'll have to excuse my granddaughter...she's downright embarrassed that her grandmother got her a man for her birthday."

Adam's and Chris's snickers turned into outright laughter, but then the elderly lady reentered the room, dragging her granddaughter by the arm.

"Naitch," the elderly lady began, "this here's my granddaughter Valerie. She's twenty-nine, a yoga instructor, and is a big fan of yours."

Valerie just happened to be a redhead with ivory skin, emerald green eyes, and a supermodel's body. Chris and Adam were no longer laughing; like the rest of the guys in the room, they were one step away from drooling. Ric, ever Mr. Smooth, simply bent slightly and kissed Valerie's hand, causing the young woman to blush attractively and giggle. As the women proceeded out the door, Ric turned back to the guys, grinned, and silently mouthed 'Wooo!'. With a final wink, he was gone.

"Ok, that was the best stroke of luck I've ever seen," John stated, and murmurs of agreement resounded throughout the room.

The door opened again, and a middle-aged balding man looked inside and called out, "Brian Kendrick?"

Every guy in the room burst out laughing, while Brian looked like he was about to burst into tears. He raised his hand feebly, all the while looking like he was going to his execution.

The man at the door nodded and turned to look back down the hall.

"I found him, Miss Hilton...he's in here."

"Miss WHO?!" Adam squawked indignantly.

"No way...it's gotta be a coincidence," John assured everyone.

He had to eat his words when Paris Hilton appeared in the doorway and walked over to a dumbstruck Brian Kendrick.

"Come on, Brian...let's go have some fun," she grinned flirtatiously at him, and proceeded to drag him out of the room. As he neared the door, Brian turned back to the others.

"If I don't show up for Monday's RAW...well...don't come looking for me!" he giggled giddily and was gone.

Silence pervaded the room after Brian's departure, broken only by John's statement of, "Ok, NOT fair!"

The door opened again and every jaw in the room dropped when former Diva Torrie Wilson walked in.

"Oh, Phil...time to go," she grinned, trailing off as she stood in the doorway in a long, deep pink off-the-shoulder evening gown with a thigh-high slit down the left side.

C. M. Punk gave the others a goofy grin.

"Gotta go!" he said cheerily, and practically ran for the door.

The door shut behind him and silence enveloped the room, only to finally be broken by Chris Jericho.

"Wait...Punk and Torrie? When did Mr. Straight-Edge bag the Boise Belle?"

"Who cares about them?" Adam snapped. "Him leaving means intermission's over and the rest of us are gonna meet our fates next."

That statement was enough to make everyone in the room stop and think about what was to come.

**Up Next:** Bachelors 11 through 15 go on the block!

**R&R!**


	4. Chapter 4: The Meat Market Part Two

**Chapter Four - The Meat Market: Part Two**

No sooner had the WWE Champion said this than the door opened and a stagehand called out, "Number 11!"

The moment the stagehand spoke, Dave's mind appeared to go on autopilot. He didn't want to be there. He wanted to be home, sprawled on the couch watching ESPN with his two Yorkies. But he stood up and made his way out of the room and down the hall to the curtain, waiting as the announcer made his introduction before walking out into the spotlight as the announcer said his name.

He made the customary single walk up and down the runway before standing beside the announcer and waiting as the silent auction went on. Every now and then he looked up at the digital display to see how his price was faring, and was stunned to see the amount was over $7,500. But then he saw a light at the end of the tunnel when he heard the announcer state,

"We have $7,500 going once..."

His ordeal was almost over...

"...going twice..."

Suddenly the display changed: $20,000. A stunned murmur ran through the crowd, and all Dave could do was blink at what he was seeing.

"SOLD to Bidder #32 for $20,000!" the announcer exclaimed. "You may pick up your bachelor backstage after the auction!"

Dave walked backstage, thankful his ordeal was over. Meanwhile, down in the audience, Bidder #32 smiled widely as her friends congratulated her.

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"Number 12!"

Adam glowered at Shawn and Hunter as they laughed him out of the room. He was getting a little tired of DX constantly getting on his nerves, but it wasn't like he didn't deserve some heckling in return. He liked to boast about himself, and the fact that he was the current WWE Champion was the perfect thing to brag about, in his opinion.

He sighed inwardly as he made his way to the curtain. _Be honest with yourself_, his conscience urged him. _Being WWE Champion is pretty much the only thing you have going for you right now. Not to bring you down any further, but you do realize this date with whoever 'wins' you tonight is gonna be the first date you've had in months?_

Adam told his conscience to go screw itself, despite the fact he knew it was 100% correct. He hadn't told anyone, but when Amy had left the WWE, she'd left him too. Then he'd tried to get together with Vickie, but aside from a few friendly dinners, things had never really taken off. Even after all this time, she was still grieving for Eddie, and then the whole situation with Chris Benoit had shaken them both deeply, as both had been good friends of the late Rabid Wolverine. So he'd decided to accept the fact that all he and Vickie would ever have between them would be a close friendship.

So here he was...with a great job, nice car, great house, and lifetime season passes to the Toronto Maple Leafs. But the passenger seat of that nice car was usually empty, as was the house when he came home from the road, and the same thing applied to the seat beside his at the Maple Leafs games. What a great existence.

_Maybe I should get a dog_, he thought as he hefted the WWE title onto his shoulder and went through the curtain and onto the runway.

The auction was a blur to him, he was so lost in his own thoughts, and he nearly jumped out of his skin when the announcer yelled,

"SOLD to Bidder #26 for $12,500! You may pick up your bachelor backstage after the auction!"

Dazedly, the WWE Champion was ushered backstage.

Down in the audience, Bidder #26 allowed a smug smirk to spread across her face. _He's not gonna know what hit him_, she told herself.

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"Number 13!"

_Oh, crap_ was Glen's initial reaction. He and Mark were probably the two people who least wanted to be there. He would've rather had a root canal without anesthesia than go through with this.

His mood darkened as he neared the curtain, accompanied by a stage hand that kept fussing over him like a mother hen, something he found incredibly annoying.

"Now really, Mr. Jacobs," the stage hand was saying, "there's no need to look like you're going to Death Row. Smile! Put on your happy face!"

All right, that did it.

One chokeslam through a table later, and the stage hand was unconscious on the floor. Glen gazed down at the stage hand's prone form and smiled a Kane smile before going through the curtain.

Yeah, now he felt better.

Kane's entrance theme blared as he stepped through the curtain, and he smirked inwardly.

_If I'm gonna do this, at least I'll have Kane's music_.

The announcer jumped a mile as the initial notes sounded, and Glen walked over to him and stood right in front of him, grinning a Kane smile at him. The poor guy looked like he was about to wet himself.

After grinning down at the poor announcer for a few moments, Glen turned and glanced up at the display, and was surprised to see his 'price' was up to $5,800.

When it didn't look like the price was going to go any higher, the announcer stuttered out,

"$5-5,800 g-going once...going twice..."

The amount soared to an even $10,000, causing even Glen's eyebrows to go up a fraction of an inch.

"SOLD" the very-much-relieved announcer stated, "to Bidder #31! You may pick up your bachelor backstage after the auction!"

_Thank God __that's__ over,_ Glen thought darkly as he stalked backstage.

Bidder #31 watched her prize walk out of sight. _He's so cute when he's flustered,_ she thought to herself.

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"Number 14!"

Nobody made any jokes when Mark got up and walked out. He walked by the group of Paramedics who were loading the unconscious stage hand onto a stretcher, and stood behind the curtain. The same annoying person who'd frowned on him wearing his Undertaker hat earlier started fussing over him, brushing lint off his tuxedo jacket.

"Ok, Mr. Callaway, out you go...we've got some music just for you! And remember to smile, please!"

The moment Mark stepped out from behind the curtain, the 'special music' began to play: Hot Chocolate's _You Sexy Thing_.

Mark saw red. He could just picture the reaction back in the waiting room, and he was pretty sure that if there were any other Divas in the audience, they were laughing their cute little tails off. Somebody would die for this one, that much he was sure of.

The announcer, still shaken from Glen's time on stage, actually winced when the music started playing and Mark walked out. He looked like he wanted to get Mark out of there as quickly as possible, so he started the bidding right away.

Mark sent mental thanks toward the poor announcer for that slight bit of kindness. _Looks like Glen had fun scaring the crap out of him._

"$7,600 going once!" the announcer's voice startled him out of his thoughts.

_It's almost over...yes!_

"...going twice..."

The amount rose to an even $15,000. _Aw, crap_, was Mark's first thought, but he almost smiled when the announcer yelled,

"SOLD to Bidder #27! You may pick up your bachelor backstage after the auction!"

Mark stomped backstage with a look of death in his eyes. The annoying stage hand approached him almost immediately.

"Mr. Callaway! What happened to the smile? It would've gone so well with the music I picked out!"

"You picked out the music?" Mark's voice was Undertaker flat.

The man nodded, seemingly indignant that Mark didn't appear to appreciate his efforts.

It all happened so fast, nobody had a chance to do anything. The annoying stage hand found himself the recipient of a Tombstone Piledriver, courtesy of an Undertaker in a tuxedo.

At the resounding 'thud', Vince and Stephanie came running. Stephanie closed her eyes and slapped her hand over them when she saw what had happened, while Vince seemed like he was about to pop a vein.

"DAMMIT, 'TAKER!" Vince roared. "That's the second stage hand we've lost tonight! You and your 'brother' have got to learn to control your tempers!"

The WWE Chairman would've continued ranting, had Stephanie not grabbed her father's arm upon seeing the _'Don't fuck with me right now'_ look Mark was giving them. Vince glowered at Mark, who met his eyes briefly before continuing on to the waiting room.

When he walked in, everyone - even Adam - wisely kept silent. Glen nodded in welcome as his 'brother' sat down beside him.

"We heard the 'thud' and Vince's ranting...how'd you take yours out?" he asked quietly.

"Tombstone," Mark replied. "How else?"

Glen laughed. "They should learn not to make us participate in these things."

"Hopefully that got the point across," Mark muttered.

WWEWWEWWEWWEWWEWWEWWEWWEWWEWWEWWE

"Number 15!"

Chris Jericho let his breath out slowly before getting to his feet. He was not looking forward to this at all. He was only doing it for all the Jerichoholics that he knew would be in the audience, waiting to bid on him. He arrived behind the curtain and straightened his tie as a stage hand fussed over him.

Y2J glowered at the annoyance. _I thought Glen and Mark took care of all the annoying ones...guess I was wrong._

"Back off, assclown," Chris snapped before stepping through the curtain and onto the runway.

He went through the motions of catering to the ladies before standing by the announcer as his price climbed higher. Finally the announcer called out,

"$15,000 going once...going twice..."

The price soared to $30,000, and surprised murmurs ran through the audience.

"SOLD to Bidder #34!" The announcer proclaimed. "You may pick up your bachelor backstage after the auction!"

As Chris headed backstage, a pleased grin on his face at bringing in more money than any of the previous superstars, Bidder #34 grinned as she watched him go.

_I knew that'd make him smile._

Chris strode back into the waiting room, a pleased smirk on his face, which only widened when he saw the glowers directed at him.

"How the hell did you rate more money than any of the others?" John demanded.

Y2J grinned at the World Heavyweight Champion and patted him on the shoulder.

"Higher quality brings a higher price, John...everyone knows that."

Mutterings of 'yeah, right' and 'whatever' could be heard, but Chris cheerfully ignored them. Nothing could take this great feeling away from him...he'd outscored all but five of his contemporaries, and he could hardly wait to see how close the five remaining superstars would come to beating him...only to fall short at the last minute.

Meanwhile, the last five bachelors were growing increasinly uneasy. With Chris having returned to the waiting room, it meant only one thing: they were next.

**Up Next:** The last five bachelors go on the block!

**R&R!**


End file.
